I'm tired. I feel deflated. Alone (but I know, by faith, that I'm not alone). I battle things that I have no control over... things that involve other people. People that I love. Control... big word. I control how I choose to react to things. I control what time I should go to bed. I control those kinds of things regarding me. But I don't control how others behave, how they perceive me, my life or my choices in life. They see through their own way of seeing things. I cannot make them understand that which even I cannot understand regarding my day to day life.
But one thing is for sure. I have made it clear where I stand. Whether other loved ones understand that or not is neither here nor there. My 'stand' is not easy, not even understood by me at times but I have declared it to be so... I am loyal to that which I am committed to.
To those loved ones who cannot accept or understand my loyalties, I bid you adieu. It's futile for me to even try to get them to understand. I have tried and either I have failed in my deliveries or they have failed in their ability to really 'hear' or accept what I'm so desperate to have them understand. At the end of this, I just want them to accept what I tell them.. not to have everything understood. That's just not possible.
My heart is saddened by this loss.
New Year's resolutions are so over-rated. Much like Christmas. For me, the best Christmas I could ever have would be to give someone without hope a taste of what the reason for the season really means.
I recall one Christmas many years ago when my brother spent a Christmas with me and my Mom and mentioned this man he met that was staying in some kind of boarding house, lonely and in the company of some young rowdy men. He had called him and the poor soul was just spending the day in bed... best option regarding his situation. I told my brother to go fetch him to join us for a turkey dinner. My Mom, who had suffered a stroke some years back, had not played her guitar or sang because it just didn't come out on key. Well... that night it was different. Her and our special guest played guitar and sang... it was such a joy to see her sing again (and on key!)... the best Christmas I ever had. Never saw that man again. Maybe he was put in our lives for a specific reason. Maybe vice-versa.